The United States Congress: A Satire

There is very little I need to say about the United States Congress to make people laugh at it. Their ability to get things done (or lack thereof) makes them enough of a laughing stalk to begin with. The way that Congress has been operating over the past five years makes people not want to trust the federal government in general. I just wanted to take this opportunity to convey a few points about the current U.S. Congress.
 
I guess we shall start with the 2013 Sequester debacle. This is evidence that our 113th United States Congress is unable to compromise to save their own lives and the livelihoods of all Americans. I would be almost afraid to put a box of blocks in the middle of the House or Senate floor and tell the congressmen to share... Somehow, I don't feel like that would work; I don't trust the current Congress to bake me a pie without burning it. They probably would not be able to figure out who gets to take it out of the oven.
 
The Sequester was threatened as of August 2, 2011, giving Congress over a year and a half to provide a feasible budget to avoid the looming cuts. However, Congress had other plans; they had snack time. They fought over who got to eat the bigger cookie and who got to sit in the front of the carpet for story time.
 
If you have not noticed yet, I am comparing our Congress to a class of preschoolers because that epitomizes their obvious intelligence. You might call them our highest leaders; I call them chimps with the mental capacity of a three year old. This nation was founded on the principles of compromise. These "men" could not navigate their way out of a jungle gym, let alone an "agreement."
 
The House of Representatives is probably more of a problem than the Senate. And by the House of Representatives, I mean Speaker of the House John Boehner is a real problem. Boehner supported a plan that contain budget freezes, which would freeze the pay of government workers, including school teachers, for an allotted amount of time. Do you wonder why most teachers lean liberal?
 
While all of this mayhem was happening with the debt ceiling, Boehner focused on another "major problem in the United States": taxpayer funded abortions. Our country was headed towards economic collapse and Boehner was focused on an issue totally irrelevant at the time. I am guessing this bill did not pass the Senate because Former Missouri Representative Todd "Cross Your Legs" Akin was one of the sponsors. That automatically makes the joke write itself.
 
Speaking of Todd Akin, I heard he is currently teaching classes to women, showing them how they can shut their bodies down during rape scenarios.
 
I hope this was enough to convince pro-Congress Americans that these politicians are getting paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to play with citizens' money like Playdough. I called out a couple of congressmen, but at the same time, half of them are just as bad. Henry Clay, in his prime, was known as the "Great Compromiser." Every member of the current Congress is just a "great fake."

Written by R. Turk
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